The Science of Getting Closer: How to Build Connections

Have you ever wondered how some people click instantly while others feel stuck in polite small talk forever?

Back in the 90s, psychologist Arthur Aron and his team discovered something pretty amazing: closeness doesn’t just happen—it can actually be created on purpose. Their research has inspired countless dating apps, therapy exercises, and dinner party conversations ever since. This seminal study popped up in my feed recently (the algorithm of a psychologist!) and it made me think that perhaps this is even more useful in today’s society where we seem to be heralding individualism, turning our backs on community yet complaining of increasing loneliness. So let’s break down what they found, why it still matters, and how you can use it to feel closer to the people in your life.

What Did the Study Do?

In 1997, Aron and colleagues set up an experiment where strangers paired up and asked each other a set of 36 questions. These questions started out fairly light and gradually got deeper and more personal. The first set had fun, easy questions like “Would you like to be famous?”. The second set got more personal with questions like “What’s your most treasured memory?. Finally, the last set contained deeper reflections like “When did you last cry in front of someone?”. By the end of the 45-minute conversation, many people said they felt surprisingly close—some even described it as one of the most meaningful connections they’d ever experienced. Compared to pairs who just made small talk, these question-asking pairs felt “significantly more connected”. Some even kept in touch long after the experiment ended.

So Aron and his colleagues concluded that when you open up in a gradual, intentional way—and listen with genuine curiosity—you build closeness faster than you might think. Although the study was done with strangers, the same principles* apply in any relationship:

• Start Light, Then Go Deep: Jumping straight into big confessions can feel overwhelming. Small steps build trust.

• Take Turns Sharing: Connection grows when both people are open.

• Make Time: Even 45 minutes of focused conversation can transform how you feel about each other.

*I feel compelled to point out how challenging these principles are to apply for the neurodiverse population (including me). Definitely a topic for another post!

In the years since Aron’s original study, researchers have discovered even more reasons why this approach is so powerful. For example, Laurenceau and colleagues in 2005 found that when couples regularly share personal thoughts and feelings, it helps them stay close over the long haul. It turns out that ongoing self-disclosure isn’t just nice—it’s actually one of the cornerstones of lasting intimacy.

What’s really interesting is that this doesn’t only work face to face. Similar question sequences have been shown to build connection in online dating and long-distance friendships too, which is great news if you’re trying to maintain relationships from afar.

And it goes even deeper—literally. When people open up and share vulnerably, their heart rates and stress responses can actually synchronise. Researchers call this physiological synchrony, and it’s one way our bodies show we’re truly attuned to each other.

Finally, there’s evidence that these kinds of conversations can help couples bounce back from conflict. Studies by John Gottman and Robert Levenson have shown that partners who regularly share positive, meaningful experiences tend to recover more easily after disagreements. In other words, when you make time to connect, you’re also strengthening your ability to weather the tougher moments together.

Here are some simple ways to try this yourself—whether you’re dating, strengthening a friendship, or reconnecting with your partner:

1. Make Space for Connection: Set aside 30–60 minutes with no phones or distractions. Find a comfortable spot where you won’t be interrupted.

2. Use Some Thoughtful Questions: Start with lighter ones, and build up to deeper topics. Here are a few examples:

“What’s something you’ve always wanted to try?”

“What role does love play in your life?”

“When did you feel most proud of yourself?”

3. Listen With Presence: Don’t rush to respond or fix. Reflect back what you hear, for example: “That sounds really important to you.”

4. Keep Doing It: Connection isn’t a one-time thing. Schedule these conversations regularly—especially during stressful times.

Arthur Aron’s research showed us that closeness doesn’t have to be left to chance. With a little structure and a lot of curiosity, you can build deeper, more meaningful connections with the people who matter most to you.

If you’d like support putting this into practice—or if you feel stuck in patterns of disconnection—click here for your free workbook The Connection Conversation Guide or to book a session with me click here. Together, we can find ways to create more closeness, understanding, and warmth in your relationships.

---

References

Aron, A., Aron, E. N., Tudor, M., & Nelson, G. (1997). The experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 23(4), 363–377.

Laurenceau, J. P., Barrett, L. F., & Pietromonaco, P. R. (2005). Intimacy as an interpersonal process. Handbook of Closeness and Intimacy.

Jiang, L. C., Bazarova, N. N., & Hancock, J. T. (2011). The disclosure–intimacy link in computer-mediated communication. Communication Research, 40(1), 125–143.

Kinreich, S., Djalovski, A., Kraus, L., Louzoun, Y., & Feldman, R. (2017). Brain-to-brain synchrony during naturalistic social interactions. Scientific Reports, 7(1), 17060.

Gottman, J. M., & Levenson, R. W. (2000). The timing of divorce. Journal of Marriage and Family, 62(3), 737–745.