Safety First: It’s your (neuro)biological requirement!
Feeling safe is not a luxury—it’s a biological necessity. Long before we developed language, logic, or even conscious thought, our nervous systems evolved to do one very important job: keep us alive. Safety, therefore, is not just a pleasant state of being—it’s the foundational platform that allows everything else in our human experience to unfold. Without it, the parts of our brain responsible for reasoning, empathy, creativity, connection, and growth simply can’t do their jobs.
From a neuroscience perspective, this idea is elegantly simple. Our brains are constantly scanning the environment for cues of safety or danger. This process, known as neuroception—a term coined by Dr. Stephen Porges, who developed Polyvagal Theory—is completely unconscious. It’s happening all the time, beneath our awareness, like a background app that never stops running. Our nervous system is quietly, efficiently asking: “Am I safe? Is this person safe? Is this place safe?” If the answer is no, our system prepares us for survival.
What’s fascinating about humans is that once our ancestors became relatively good at staying safe—avoiding predators, finding shelter, sourcing food—we started to free up energy for other things. Our more primitive, survival-based brain structures could hand the reins over to the “higher order” brain, particularly the prefrontal cortex, which is involved in things like planning, reflecting, empathising, learning, and imagining the future. It’s what allowed us to build cities, invent systems of governance, develop medicine, agriculture, art, literature. It’s what makes us uniquely human.
But this only works when the system feels safe.
When we are under threat—whether that threat is real (like a car swerving towards us) or perceived (like a sharp tone from someone we care about, or the fear of rejection)—the brain reroutes. We go from a state of connection and curiosity to a state of protection. Our thinking narrows, our breath shortens, our muscles tense, and we become focused on one thing only: survival. This is not a conscious decision. It’s our biology doing what it was designed to do.
I remember watching this play out quite literally when my son was small. One afternoon, he stepped off a pool step and unexpectedly found himself in deeper water. The shock of the new depth sent his system into panic. He flailed wildly, even though he was still in the shallow end and could have simply put his feet down or reached for the edge. But his brain had already decided: “I’m not safe.” In that state, logic wasn’t accessible to him. He couldn’t problem-solve or think clearly, because his body was too busy trying to survive. Luckily, I was nearby and able to pull him up, wrap him in my arms, and remind his system that he was safe.
This moment, simple as it was, encapsulates what happens for so many of us, every day. We might not be flailing in a pool, but we are often reacting to the world as if it is dangerous—even when it isn’t. We withdraw from a conversation that feels too confronting. We lash out when we feel misunderstood. We shut down when something inside us says, “This is too much.” Our nervous system is protecting us in the only way it knows how.
And here’s where Polyvagal Theory can really help us make sense of these patterns.
At its core, Polyvagal Theory describes how our autonomic nervous system—the part of us that handles involuntary functions like breathing, heart rate, and digestion—is also deeply involved in how we connect with others. It outlines three broad states that our nervous system can move between:
1. **The ventral vagal state**—which is our state of safety, connection, and regulation. This is where we feel calm, curious, playful, open to others, and able to think clearly.
2. **The sympathetic state**—which is our fight-or-flight response. This is where we feel anxious, agitated, angry, or overwhelmed. Our system is mobilised, primed for action.
3. **The dorsal vagal state**—which is our freeze or shutdown response. This is where we feel numb, disconnected, withdrawn, or hopeless. Our system has essentially powered down to conserve energy when escape seems impossible.
We all move through these states all the time, often many times a day. This is completely normal. The problem arises when we get stuck in one of the protective states—fight, flight, or freeze—and can’t find our way back to safety and connection.
In therapy, one of the most powerful things we can do is co-create safety. Just as I helped my son by physically reaching for him and emotionally soothing him, therapy offers an opportunity to gently help the nervous system come back into a state of regulation. This doesn’t mean we talk our way out of distress—because when someone is in fight, flight, or freeze, language alone often doesn’t land. Instead, we attend to the nervous system first.
Sometimes that looks like slowing things down, breathing together, or simply allowing silence. Other times, it’s about pacing emotional exploration so that it doesn’t feel overwhelming. It’s about the relationship—the therapist’s facial expression, tone of voice, presence. All of these elements form what Porges calls the **Social Engagement System**—a beautiful, evolutionarily advanced part of our nervous system that helps us feel safe in the presence of another human being. When it’s activated, we can connect, listen, empathise, and problem-solve again.
For clients who have lived through trauma, chronic stress, or emotionally invalidating environments, their systems often don’t default to safety. Even in calm circumstances, they may remain hypervigilant or shut down. This isn’t a failing. It’s simply a nervous system that has learned, often very early, that the world is unpredictable or dangerous. Therapy becomes a place to slowly retrain those responses—not by pushing through them, but by respecting them and working with them.
In practical terms, this might mean learning to notice the early signs of activation. A tight jaw. Racing thoughts. A sudden urge to withdraw. It might mean experimenting with grounding strategies, movement, or creative expression to help shift states. Over time, people begin to build what’s called **autonomic flexibility**—the ability to move between nervous system states more smoothly and return to regulation more easily.
One of the most encouraging aspects of this work is that it is inherently hopeful. Because the nervous system is adaptable. We can learn new patterns. We can experience safety in relationships, even if we’ve never had it before. We can reconnect with the parts of ourselves that feel playful, creative, insightful, and loving—the parts that come online only when our system knows it is safe.
This blog post is just a starting point. Polyvagal Theory is a rich, nuanced framework that continues to shape how we understand mental health, trauma, and healing. There’s so much more to explore about how these states show up in daily life, in our bodies, in our relationships. I’ll be coming back to this in future posts.
For now, perhaps just pause and notice—when do you feel most safe? Who helps your system soften? What helps you come back to yourself?
And if you feel like you’re often stuck in anxiety, shutdown, or survival mode—know that you’re not alone. Therapy can help you tune into your nervous system, make sense of your responses, and begin the gentle process of healing from the inside out.
If you’d like support in exploring these patterns more deeply, you can book an appointment with me here. Sometimes, the first step towards safety is simply being met by someone who sees you, believes you, and stays with you.
