How to Build Self-Esteem and Stop Negative Self-Talk: Learn to Quieten Your Inner Critic
Many of us quietly wrestle with the same thought: “I wish I could stop hating myself.” We long to feel confident, to be able to say “I like who I am,” and yet an inner voice constantly criticises and undermines us. This voice—often called the inner critic—can leave us feeling like no matter what we do, we are not enough. Understanding where self-esteem comes from and learning how to quieten the inner critic are the first steps in breaking free from this cycle.
Self-esteem is the way we value ourselves. It is the inner sense that we are worthy of love and respect, even when we make mistakes or face setbacks. It is not arrogance or constant positivity but a steadier, quieter belief that we are fundamentally okay just as we are. Many people seek therapy because they want to know how to build self-esteem, how to stop negative self-talk, and ultimately, how to learn to love themselves. Others may not explicitly come to therapy with this issue but later see that poor self-evaluation is either a root cause or an unhelpful contribution to their concerns.
We are not born hating ourselves. Self-esteem is built through the experiences we have and the messages we receive growing up. When a child’s feelings are acknowledged, their efforts encouraged, and their mistakes met with understanding rather than harsh judgment, they start to develop a sense of worthiness. But life is rarely perfect. Critical parents or teachers, experiences of rejection, bullying, or neglect, and even the unrealistic standards we absorb from culture or social media can plant the seeds of self-doubt. Over time, these experiences give birth to the inner critic.
The inner critic is the relentless voice in our minds that says, “You’re not good enough,” “You always mess things up,” or “No one will ever love you.” Its origin is often protective. As children, we learn to anticipate criticism or rejection in order to stay safe and connected to those we rely on. But as adults, the same strategy backfires. The critic that once tried to keep us in line now leaves us trapped in cycles of shame, perfectionism, and avoidance. We stop taking risks, we dismiss compliments, and we stay in situations or relationships that chip away at our confidence. Without realising it, we sabotage our self-esteem and reinforce the critic’s message.
If you want to stop negative self-talk, the first step is catching the critic in action. Notice the moments when you feel a sudden drop in confidence, a flush of shame, or a sense of “I’m not good enough.” Pause and ask yourself, “What am I telling myself right now?” Recognising that the voice is the critic—and not an absolute truth—creates space for change. Some people find it helpful to imagine the critic as a separate character, like an overzealous guard trying to protect them but using outdated methods. Some clients really embrace this idea - giving their inner critic a name, an outfit, an age, and tone of voice. I know it sounds child-like and silly but it can be a really powerful way to separate your self from this overly- harsh and punitive part of ourselves and start to disarm it. Here are some more strategies that can help:
1. Respond with curiosity rather than judgment. If the voice says, “You’re going to fail,” ask yourself, “What am I afraid of? What do I need right now?” This moves you from self-attack to self-understanding.
2. Practise self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would to a friend or a child you care about. Statements like “I’m having a hard day, but that doesn’t make me unworthy” can slowly quieten the critic.
3. Keep a record of your strengths and achievements. Write down moments when you felt proud, capable, or appreciated. Revisiting this evidence helps to counteract the critic’s distortions. I personally keep a folder of emails from clients who have expressed their gratitude or colleagues that have sung my praises or endorsed my skills just so that I can look at them in those moments where my own inner critic is particularly loud.
4. Set boundaries with others. If certain relationships consistently erode your self-worth, limiting your exposure or asserting your needs is an act of self-respect. Adding to this is a little but powerful strategy I give my clients which is to try to pause before saying “Sorry” and just check to see if it is warranted. We want to reserve our “Sorry’s” for when we have hurt someone and never apologise for putting a personal boundary in place. For these occasions we can say “Unfortunately” or “I appreciate this makes things difficult for you but I am not able to help”. For further ideas see my handout 15 Alternatives to Sorry.
5. Challenge perfectionism and comparison. Remind yourself that making mistakes or being different does not mean you are unworthy.
Learning to love yourself takes time. It involves repeatedly choosing to treat yourself with patience, care, and respect, even when your critic protests. Therapy can be a powerful space for this work. A psychologist can help you trace the origins of your inner critic, recognise the ways you’ve been sabotaging your self-esteem, and guide you in building a relationship with yourself that is kinder, stronger, and more resilient.
If you’re tired of feeling like your own worst enemy and want support to build self-esteem, stop negative self-talk, and truly learn to love yourself, booking an appointment with a psychologist can be the first step towards lasting change.
Book an appointment here to begin the journey of understanding your mind, softening that critical voice, and building a sense of self-worth that feels steady and real.
