When Boundaries Feel Impossible: Why We Struggle, Spotting the Red Flags, and Finding Balance

When we talk about mental health and relationships, the word “boundaries” comes up a lot. Therapists, coaches, and even social media feeds will tell you that you need to set boundaries to protect your energy and wellbeing. It sounds simple enough. But anyone who has actually tried to do it knows it can feel confusing, terrifying, or even impossible.

Boundaries aren’t just about rules or limits. They are about protecting our sense of self, honouring our needs, and allowing space for connection that feels safe and authentic. Research shows that clear interpersonal boundaries are linked with lower stress, better resilience, and healthier relationships (Seguin Leclair et al., 2019). Yet many of us find ourselves saying yes when every part of us wants to say no, or brushing off red flags because we don’t want to upset anyone. This ‘feels’ like it might be particularly true of women however I must admit that I see ‘people-pleasing’ just as often with my male clients as I do my female ones.

But here’s the tricky part: while boundaries are protective, they can also be misused. When they become too rigid, they risk cutting us off from the very connection we most need. This is where boundaries and loneliness can intersect in surprising ways.

Let’s start with why setting boundaries can feel so difficult.

For many people, boundary struggles trace back to childhood experiences. If you grew up in an environment where love and approval felt conditional, you may have learned that the safest option was to silence your own needs. You may have, for example, grown up in a family where speaking up for yourself was met with harsh criticism. Now, as an adult, it might be almost unbearable to decline requests at work, even when you’re burnt out. Your nervous system reacts as though saying no is a threat to your very survival.

Attachment research supports this: people with anxious attachment often fear that asserting their needs will lead to rejection (Mikulincer & Shaver, 2016). Even a small boundary — like declining a dinner invitation — can stir up huge fear if it touches those old wounds.

Conflict is another barrier. If you grew up in a household where disagreements were explosive or punished, your brain may now equate conflict with danger. One client described how she automatically agreed to social plans, even when she didn’t want to go, because the thought of disappointing her friends felt unbearable. Neuroscience helps explain this: when the brain perceives conflict as threatening, the amygdala activates the fight-flight-freeze response, overriding rational thought (LeDoux, 2015). In those moments, your body prioritises safety over honesty.

Then there’s guilt. Many people carry the belief that taking care of their own needs is selfish. Social research shows women in particular often feel socialised to prioritise others, which can make boundary-setting especially uncomfortable (Bianchi et al., 2012). I’ve had clients describe turning up to family gatherings even when they were sick, simply because the guilt of saying no felt heavier than the physical exhaustion. Reflecting on my own upbringing, sick days were not an option in my household. I learned not to mention the sore throat or runny nose and to simply get up and get on with it. Today I still feel enormous guilt if I need to take some time off. In that past, I have even been known to put on a bit of cough and gravelly voice when I had to phone in sick with food poisoning just so it was clear that I wasn’t trying to take a day off for no good reason!

Sometimes the struggle is simply not knowing what healthy boundaries look like. If you grew up in a family where privacy wasn’t respected — maybe your diary was read, your feelings dismissed, or others spoke for you — it can feel “normal” to have no say. As one client put it, “I didn’t even know I was allowed to have boundaries.” Research supports this: childhood boundary violations can lead to difficulty recognising limits as adults (Gibson, 2015).

And sometimes, we only notice the signs after the fact. You leave an interaction feeling drained, resentful, or unsettled without knowing why. Your body often spots boundary violations before your mind does — through tension, irritability, or that replay loop of conversations at 2am.

Boundary violations aren’t always dramatic. Often they are small, everyday moments that are easy to minimise. But over time, they add up. Red flags might include someone making decisions on your behalf without asking — like a partner committing you to social plans you never agreed to. Constant interruptions are another; they send the message that your words don’t carry weight. Privacy is another area where boundaries are often ignored. Maybe someone goes through your phone or emails without permission, insisting they’re just “curious” or “helping.” The real message is that your autonomy isn’t respected. Dismissive comments can be just as damaging: “You’re too sensitive,” or “You’re overreacting.” These chip away at your confidence to trust your own feelings. Research on microaggressions has shown how repeated small invalidations can be just as corrosive as bigger violations (Sue et al., 2007).

Other red flags include being guilted into oversharing personal details, or pressured into saying yes when you want to say no. And if someone repeatedly pushes against boundaries you’ve clearly set — bringing up off-limits topics, for example — it’s a strong sign your limits aren’t being honoured. Each of these may feel minor in isolation, but together they can leave you feeling powerless, resentful, or invisible.

It’s also worth recognising the other side of the coin. While some of us struggle to set boundaries, others — especially those who’ve been hurt — may build them too rigidly. After years of being ignored, mistreated, or taken advantage of, it makes sense to swing hard in the other direction. You may start saying no by default, keeping people at arm’s length, or withdrawing altogether to avoid risk. In the short term, this can feel safe. But in the long term, boundaries that harden into walls can feed into loneliness. Loneliness has been described as a modern epidemic, linked to higher rates of depression, cardiovascular disease, and even early mortality (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2010; Leigh-Hunt et al., 2017).

I often see clients who long for closeness but also fear it. They crave connection but are so guarded that they shut people out. This is where the balance matters. Boundaries should create safety without shutting down intimacy. They should be flexible enough to shift depending on context, trust, and relationship, not rigid rules that isolate us. A healthy boundary might sound like: “I need quiet evenings during the week, but I’d love to catch up on Saturday.” A rigid wall sounds like: “I don’t see people at night — ever.” One protects your energy while keeping the door open; the other risks sealing you off completely.

It’s important to also be cautious about cultural messages that oversimplify boundaries. The popular advice to “cut off toxic people” can be useful in genuinely harmful situations (and research shows that zero-contact is necessary in breaking free from genuine narcissistic personalities), but not everyone who frustrates us or makes mistakes is toxic. Sometimes what’s needed is clearer communication, not total cut-off. Therapy can help tease apart whether distance is protective or avoidant.

Therapy can be a powerful space to navigate these complexities. Some of the ways we work with boundaries include:

1. Awareness: Journalling or reflecting on interactions helps you notice patterns — when you feel energised, when you feel drained, and where red flags tend to appear.

2. Language practice: Learning simple scripts such as “I’ll need to think about that” or “That doesn’t work for me” gives you tools to hold ground without over-explaining. Practising these in session helps reduce the fear of using them in real life.

3. Exploring origins: Looking at where your difficulty comes from — childhood, past relationships, cultural messages — can reduce shame and make sense of why it feels so hard.

4. Nervous system regulation: Grounding and calming strategies help manage the anxiety that arises when asserting yourself, making it easier to hold boundaries without freezing or overreacting.

5. Flexibility: Therapy supports you to experiment with what I call “porous boundaries” — firm enough to protect you, flexible enough to let in trust and closeness where it’s safe.

Boundaries are not about shutting people out. They are about creating a safe container where relationships can flourish without resentment or burnout. They allow us to be close without losing ourselves, and to give without depleting. But they do require balance. Too few boundaries, and you risk exhaustion and self-abandonment. Too rigid, and you may end up lonely and isolated. The sweet spot is flexible boundaries — clear, respectful, and responsive to context. Boundaries, when done well, are not walls. They are bridges — structures that help you walk toward healthier, more connected, and more fulfilling relationships.

If you notice yourself feeling resentful, drained, or cut off from others, it may be worth exploring your boundary patterns. A psychologist can help you recognise red flags, strengthen your voice, and practise the balance between protection and openness. If this is something you’d like to explore further, consider booking an appointment with a psychologist here who can guide you in finding that balance.

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References

Bianchi, S. M., Sayer, L. C., Milkie, M. A., & Robinson, J. P. (2012). Housework: Who did, does or will do it, and how much does it matter? *Social Forces, 91*(1), 55–63. [https://doi.org/10.1093/sf/sos120](https://doi.org/10.1093/sf/sos120)

Gibson, L. C. (2015). *Adult children of emotionally immature parents: How to heal from distant, rejecting, or self-involved parents.* New Harbinger Publications.

Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2010). Social relationships and mortality risk: A meta-analytic review. *PLoS Medicine, 7*(7), e1000316. [https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316](https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pmed.1000316)

LeDoux, J. (2015). *Anxious: Using the brain to understand and treat fear and anxiety.* Viking.

Leigh-Hunt, N., Bagguley, D., Bash, K., Turner, V., Turnbull, S., Valtorta, N., & Caan, W. (2017). An overview of systematic reviews on the public health consequences of social isolation and loneliness. *Public Health, 152,* 157–171. [https://doi.org/10.1016/j.puhe.2017.07.035](https://doi.org/10.1016/j.puhe.2017.07.035)

Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). *Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change.* Guilford Press.

Seguin Leclair, C., Boudreau, P., & de Man, A. F. (2019). Boundary management and resilience in stressful contexts. *Journal of Psychology Research, 9*(3), 103–112.

Sue, D. W., Capodilupo, C. M., Torino, G. C., Bucceri, J. M., Holder, A. M. B., Nadal, K. L., & Esquilin, M. (2007). Racial microaggressions in everyday life: Implications for clinical practice. *American Psychologist, 62*(4), 271–286. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.62.4.271